


Strength of Bonds

by Avaya



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avaya/pseuds/Avaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The end of the Reaper War brought about new conflict for the crew that followed Commander Shepard. With little to no knowledge about what happened during those last moments, most of the crew decided getting back to what was familiar would be best. A party is thrown to celebrate the end and the Commander.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Strength of Bonds

**Author's Note:**

> I started this years ago and have simply decided that it will be a one-shot. I realized that I don't truly prefer this couple. :)

**November 23rd, 2188: Two Years After Reaper War**  
Location: Citadel, Silversun Strip  
  
"Spectre Alenko, we need an answer." The voice of Councilor Tevos seemed to reverberate in the living room.

Kaiden Alenko stared down at the busy street of the Silversun Strip, an arm against the glass. He was actively trying to focus on anything besides the holographic images displaying the Leaders of the Council races.

Councilor Sparatus cleared his throat in annoyance as Councilor Tevos continued. "We have heard what has happened and we understand that it has been hard. But you are a Spectre, one of the arms of the Council. We think it is time for you to do your part."

A flare of anger washed throughout Kaiden's body. Councilor Tevos' voice was soft, calm, and emitting a faux tone of camaraderie…

And it was an insult to the man that he had proudly served as well as called a lover.

He gritted his teeth as his eyes fluttered close, not wishing for them to see the pained expression on his face or the rage just boiling beneath the surface.

"I am Alliance first." Kaiden said firmly.

"We understand that." Councilor Sparatus began coolly.

"And we're still rebuilding Earth." he continued, his voice quiet as it usually was when he was upset.

"We all are rebuilding our home planets. Most of us have suffered the Reapers." Councilor Valern countered. "But we are on the Citadel performing our duties…as must you."

"We have spoken to your Admiral Hackett." Councilor Tevos took over. "He has said that it is best if you were to get your mind from Earth for a while."

Pain seized his heart as Kaiden remembered what he had buried away two years ago: the Crucible firing, the Citadel being nearly destroyed, and endless hours sifting through rubble to try to find _something_ of his Commander. He remembered Admiral Hackett's firm hand on his shoulders, words being whispered as he fervently denied the inevitable: the love of his life was dead.

Shaking his head to push away the memories, he turned to face the Councilors. "I don't have a ship. I don't have a crew. There is no way that I would be able to undergo the task that you've assigned for me."

"What of the Normandy?" Councilor Sparatus inquired.

Mentioning the name made Kaiden immediately dissent. "With all due respect, Councilors, the Normandy is an _Alliance_ ship and one of the best ones we still have."

"And such a ship is going to waste sitting dry-docked on the Citadel, wouldn't you agree?"

"It needs an appropriate Commanding Officer and I'm not capable of commanding that frigate. No one is."

"Besides Shepard, you mean?"

Kaiden let his eyes drift to the blue name-plate that rested against a vase on the coffee table: the same name-plate that held his lover's name. He had kept it, not wanting to put it on the Wall of Heroes on board the Normandy. None of the crew had questioned his decision.

"Yes, Councilor Tevos." He murmured. "I would be dishonoring him and the Normandy if I took control now."

"We will see if Admiral Hackett feels the same way." Councilor Sparatus responded.

"We would rather you be able to work around people who you are comfortable with than be reassigned to command another crew. We will be keeping in touch though, Spectre Alenko." Councilor Tevos said in a dismissing tone as she cut the vid comm feed.

Kaiden sighed heavily, plopping himself on the couch as he reached for his whiskey bottle and glass. He knew that he would need a hard drink after speaking to the Councilors. Admiral Hackett had warned him that they might bring up the Normandy.

Pouring himself a shot, he threw it back without tasting it. Death never did get easier. Coping with it did though. Except, he had never been taught how to cope with losing someone who he had fallen in love with. Shepard was his first…in a great many ways.

Pouring himself another, he decided to nurse the drink as he stared at the bottle. It was TM88-Peruvian Whiskey, the same kind Shepard had brought to him as a gift when he was in Huerta Memorial. The very same type they shared before they made-love before attacking Cerberus.

And he had gotten a bottle every year to mourn his loss.

A knock came at the door. He really didn't want to have company at the moment, but he realized it was better than drowning himself in sorrow and alcohol. He stood up, making his way towards the door with drink in hand. He gave a small smile as he opened to see Jeff "Joker" Moreau standing before him.

He moved aside allowing him entrance and watched Joker limp into the apartment.

"How'd you know I was here?"

"Oh. Lucky guess. Where else would a loner go?" His tone was teasing, but his voice was off.

Kaiden laughed, shutting the door and heading to the kitchen to get another glass. "How'd you get here?"

"Well, you know, since I no longer have my mobility-assistance mech, I have to take cabs like everyone else. And ask for the occasional help from strangers."

A frown threatened to cover Kaiden's face as he sat in the arm-chair, handing Joker the glass. He had forgotten that Joker had lost someone close to him too…

"It's strange how EDI just…just…"

"Died?" Joker accepted the glass from Kaiden while grabbing the bottle of whiskey as he settled himself on the couch. "Yeah. What's even crazier is that _every_ synthetic died. Every one. All of the VIs, AIs, and—get this—the Geth."

"The Geth too?" As he said it, Kaiden realized it sounded like a dumb question.

Joker raised an eyebrow at him, filling the glass midway. "Yeah. I said synthetic, right? Anyway, did _you_ feel anything?"

"A severe migraine when the Crucible fired. I mean, one that I've never felt before. But nothing else. I'm hoping it didn't do more than rattle my implants though."

"You get looked over by Dr. Chakwas?"

"Yeah. She says I'm fine."

"That's good." Shaking his head, he continued. "I can't believe you haven't heard about the Geth. Haven't you been checking your messages? Tali sent one about it."

"Yeah, well, I've just been living day by day."

Joker cocked his eyebrow as he replaced the bottle. "For _two_ _years_? I mean, he's _died_ before and came back, but you never seemed to take it as hard then."

"I actually _did_ , Joker, but this time it's completely different." He tried to keep his tone civil, but he couldn't help the bit of raw bitterness that slipped in. Joker hadn't even been around to see how badly Shepard's death hurt him. Just because he saw him a few times didn't mean that he automatically knew how Kaiden felt.

Joker caught the heated tone in his voice and stopped himself from taking a drink. "Look _Major_ Alenko." He turned to him. "I _understand_ what you're going through. Yeah, EDI wasn't an organic being, but she was still a _person_. And I lost her.

You know what else? You and I also lost the best damn human being that we knew that day too. But I'm not sitting on my ass doing nothing about it. I mean, sure, the Normandy isn't going anywhere, but I still pilot other ships until they figure out who's going to command her. I'm making their deaths worth something. I don't think Shepard would want you to do what you're doing either."

Kaiden stared at him through narrowed eyes as Joker sipped his drink. "Sorry, Major." He mumbled out. "I was out of line."

He didn't want to tell Joker how right he was on both counts. Kaiden _was_ taking a bit longer than usual for the grieving process. A hard death would take him a week to get over. But it had been two years and counting with Shepard...

And as shy as Kaiden had been a few years before, he had truly stepped out of his shell. He wasn't too timid to announce his opinions and he actually held an authoritative voice. But EDI had been right about one thing: Kaiden was a bit judgmental.

He held a skewed view on plenty of topics and the respect for military officers was one of them. _But if Shepard was here...all I'd have to do was look at him and know that I should let it go._

Kaiden closed his eyes then, remembering the last time he was able to touch his lover, the last kiss they shared before they made their final assault on the Reapers together, the first time Shepard told him he loved him...right before he sent Kaiden away to face the transport beam alone.

Kaiden's eyes snapped open as he slowly felt himself becoming heated. He never forgave himself for leaving Shepard to face the beam alone and he never forgave Shepard for forcing him to go. He never forgave himself for not joining Shepard when he was facing the Collectors. He never forgave himself for pointing a gun at his lover either. All of the things that he had forgotten to ask forgiveness for were rushing to his mind...

He winced as he felt an intense headache coming on. Sighing, he peered out at the panoramic view of the Silversun Strip to help himself calm down, deciding to let Joker's outburst go. It worried him that he was getting angrier more often...and that the stress was causing him to have migraines more often.

If he couldn't handle stress like this, he was in _no way_ fit to command a frigate...especially the Normandy.

"I don't feel as if I've earned that title." Kaiden whispered, to get his mind off of his sudden realization. "I just think it was given to me…without any merit."

"Right." Joker said sarcastically, finishing his glass and refilling it. "You helped stop Saren among other things and that isn't cause for promotion."

"Shepard never got promoted either."

"That's because Shepard didn't want it."

Kaiden turned to Joker and could see that the younger man was already regretting his outburst. "What do you mean? I was never told about any promotion."

Joker breathed hard through his nose before he continued. "No, you weren't. And it was because the Commander wanted it under wraps. They were going to promote him, but he would have had to relinquish command of the Normandy. I only heard about it because I walked in on him in a conference call."

Kaiden faintly remembered hearing someone remark that the Normandy was Shepard's first love and it disheartened him. It was another thing that seemed to constantly plague Kaiden: how in Shepard's heart, he was only second place to a ship. He swallowed the rest of his drink to settle the pain in his chest. "Yeah. We both knew he wouldn't have wanted that." He made an effort to sound cheerful and, surprisingly, it did.

"All we can do now is remember him." Joker nodded, then looked up at the clock on the wall. "When is everyone else arriving?"

Kaiden snapped out of his brooding daze and stared at Joker perplexed. "What do you mean?"

"You know…the party? The one that we do _every_ year since Shepard threw the first one in this apartment? Well, the old one, but you know."

Kaiden stood up a bit too fast and supported his weight on the arm of the couch. The party. He had _completely_ forgotten about that.

"Don't tell me you _forgot_?" Joker nearly whined. "Everyone's coming! Or did you forget to send out the invitations?"

"I prepared!" Kaiden retorted, nearly offended. He couldn't help but notice that Joker's sarcasm had risen over the years and that it grated on his nerves almost constantly. "It won't take long to set up." As he hurried to the kitchen, a knock came at the door.

"Hey." Joker called from the living room. "You might want to double-time it 'cause our first guest is here."

* * *

The party was in full swing now and Kaiden smiled as he watched, from the balcony, drunken dancing and talking. He had needed to get away from the noise: it was a bit too loud for him.

He massaged his right temple as he brought his bottle of beer to his lips. All of the stress and depressing thoughts in his life was making his migraine flare-ups worse. The party was supposed to ease that...but it wasn't helping.

Okay. Maybe his life wasn't complete shit. But it was empty.

After the end of the Reaper War, the only thing Kaiden could find himself doing was clawing at the remains of the Citadel, searching for Shepard until he exhausted himself. He'd pass out on the nearest cot or bed only to rise up a few hours later and resume looking for his lover.

People didn't stare at him, but he heard murmurs about his bloodied bandages and bullet-torn uniform. He would shower and change his bandages often, but his exerted effort and constant sweat wouldn't have let anyone know it.

He had forgotten all about military protocol and that he still had a job that he was assigned to do since he was alive. He was reminded about that when Admiral Hackett found him.

The next few months were a blur. He didn't remember what he did, but he knew that he was reassuring many people as well as searching for his mother who he had lost contact with. He did remember the Normandy setting down on a lush green plain. It was such a view of hope that all the crew members remarked at it.

They all wanted to travel together a bit longer, trying to ignore the large emptiness that the first floor of the Normandy left as well as the commanding deck. But it was soon time for the crew to return to their lives. All of them had duties to go back too...and all realized that.

All except Kaiden. Fast forward a year and a half later and he was still in the same place.

"Are you okay?" Liara T'soni's voice floated into his ears. Her voice always sounded a little monotonous to him. She rarely raised it an octave, only when angry.

Kaiden nodded as she approached him to the side, staring at the skyline of the Citadel.

"You know..." she began. "I never thought that the Citadel would ever be rebuilt. Or even better than it was before."

"Yeah." Kaiden whispered. "I didn't expect the Presidium to uphold this apartment either."

"The Council makes _some_ good decisions."

"I think it was more in honor of the two men that...fought...to save them."

Although her face was blank, her eyes were full of worry.

"Kaiden..." Her voice was softer this time.

"I'm fine, Liara." He held her eyes. "I haven't been myself, I'll admit. But it's kind of hard to come back so easily from a possible annihilation."

"You _know_ it's not only that." She dissented. "Wrex and Grunt can sense the stress you feel. Dr. Chakwas has to watch you, because of your flare-ups. Even Joker has alerted us to your proclamation. We're here for you and we just want to help."

He shook his head. "This party is for Shephard. It's meant to honor him."

"And it's for _you_ too." She admitted. "Otherwise, we'd never see you. You hardly check in. We're all worried..."

Kaiden clenched the rail next to him as he peered through the glass. He could see Jack dancing on the table, Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy taking another shot in the kitchen with people dancing around her, and Urdnot Wrex banging his head against Grunt. Zaeed Massani and Javik were enjoying the Krogan bashing while Joker sat upon the couch, a sad smile on his face.

"Maybe...maybe I'm just tired, Liara." Kaiden's voice was hushed. "I remember Shephard telling me that he wanted to stop doing these impending doom missions. He's saved the world three times already. Four if you're counting eliminating the Mass Relay in the Bahak system. 

I'm not saying I've done all of those with him, but...I can't pretend to go on in the Alliance without him. He was such a big important part of my life, even for a few years. And I always imagined dying next to him-"

"He wouldn't have wanted that." Liara interrupted, setting their drinks on the ground and taking hold of his hands. "He wouldn't want you dead nor would he have wanted you to quit the Alliance. He'd want you to live, Kaiden. Not for him, but for you."

Kaiden slowly shook his head, fighting back the tears that were welling within his eyes.

"He taught me that lesson." Both of them turned to see Steve Cortez leaning against the door. "Sorry. Didn't mean to eavesdrop."

Kaiden brought up his hand to indicate that it was okay. "It's no problem."

Cortez approached them as Liara retrieved their drinks. "I just meant that Shepard taught me to stop living in the past. He taught me to stop living for my husband, Robert."

He touched glasses with Kaiden. "I was like you, Kaiden. I would try to avoid any thought of Robert by keeping busy or avoiding the thoughts. And when that wouldn't work, I just would find myself listening to our last recording together."

Laughing, Cortez continued. "It's embarrassing, but he came down one time when I was listening to the recording. I was crying...I just couldn't let him go. Shepard convinced me to get off of the ship. To relax." He caught Kaiden's stare as he said, "He eventually convinced me to leave the recording at the Memorial Wall at the Holding Bay on the Citadel."

Kaiden moved his head from side to side. "Are you suggesting that I put his name on the Memorial Wall on the Normandy?" Kaiden tried to keep from feeling offended, but he couldn't.

Cortez, of all people, should have known that Kaiden's feelings couldn't be rushed. Some people took longer to adjust from horrible events than others. Kaiden happened to be one of those people.

"And to relax, sir." Cortez added. "I don't think you've had time to spend just for _yourself._ It's just a suggestion. And great one from a great man."

"It would be a step in the right direction, Spectre Alenko." Justicar Samara stared at the small group calmly before stating. "I am sorry for intruding."

"No. Don't." Liara immediately responded. "He needs to hear this as well as something positive."

"And some realism." Samara agreed before turning her eyes to the reddish-orange horizon. "I understand your feelings about closing this painful chapter of your life. You would rather live with the pain, the guilt, the hurt...rather than moving on. It keeps you close to him.

But eventually, it will catch up to you. You will not want to live with this torment...and will want to end it. I know this. Shepard...He..stopped me from ending my life when I was forced to choose to kill my daughter, Falere, to fulfill the Code."

She turned her gaze from the setting sun on Kaiden's light brown ones. "You do not wish to go through this, Spectre Alenko."

"Oh no." Tali said as she joined the ever-growing group, her words a little slurred. Kaiden realized that the music had been turned down and everyone had moved near the balcony. They made an awkward circle with Kaiden, Liara, and Cortez at the apex. "You don't. I remember being on Rannoch and thinking of ending my life when Shepard decided to let Legion upload the Reaper Code. I wouldn't have been able to live if the Migrant Fleet was decimated so I pleaded with them to hold off their attack. When Shepard spoke to the Fleet, I realized that I would never have to sacrifice my life. Shepard always came through and he came through then. But that was still a horrible thing to experience."

"I wonder if he knew he saved so many lives from death personally." Miranda Lawson murmured, standing next to Liara with her arms crossed. "If he hadn't warned me of Kai Leng, I would be dead."

"That's nothing cheerleader." Jack smirked, knocking her shoulder with hers. "That boy scout convinced me that _some_ people working for Cerberus weren't assholes. And that even a worthless piece of shit that I thought I was...could help save the galaxy and do something worthwhile. Who _knows_ what I'd be doing now if he didn't?"

"Probably still locked up in Purgatory." Joker gleamed as Jack flipped him off and mouthed the word _Fuck you_ to him. "We all don't need to be reminded how he pulled me off of the Normandy while it was being torn apart."

"Or how he woke me up from cryogenic stasis." Javik agreed.

"Or how he let me out of that tank." Grunt reminisced. "I'd probably still be in a lab somewhere...and I would have never become a full Krogan."

"Baby Pyjak, you won't ever be full Krogan until you mate with all of Tuchanka!" Urdnot Wrex guffawed. He grunted before saying. "'Course, that wouldn't have ever been possible if Shepard hadn't cured the genophage."

Garrus Vakarian cleared his throat. "Right. You called one of your children Shepard, am I right?"

"I also called one of them Mordin." Wrex growled. "What of it?"

"Nothing, big guy. Just thinking that if he could even influence a Krogan, than there was _nothing_ Shepard couldn't touch." Wrex nudged him hard as Garrus gave a small laugh. "I do know that he saved me from myself...similar to Jack. I would have killed someone, Sidonis, if Shepard didn't show me that he was as tormented as I was. I would have also been dead if he hadn't shown up on Omega to save ArchAngel."

"Same here." Jacob Taylor sipped at his beer. "I mean, I wised up and left Cerberus. When they caught up to us at Gellix, I thought we were done for. And then Shepard swoops in like he always does. Though, I didn't name my baby after him."

Kasumi Goto appeared as if out of nowhere, casually clasping both hands on one of Jacob's shoulders. "Though, it's not like he didn't have anything to benefit from any of us. He saved our lives, we gave him something in return. Hardly altruistic."

"That's not true, Kasumi." Kaiden interjected. Per usual, with any seemingly negative mentioning of Shepard, Kaiden began to get emotional.

"Oh not always. Most of the time though." She sighed, as she straightened, crossing her arms while placing a single finger on a cheek. "But he _did_ give me my memories of Keiji. And I will always be forever grateful."

"That jackass didn't give me anything." Zaeed growled. "Oh wait. He did. He let the bastard that I was chasing for twenty years, Vido Santiago, get away."

"I bet that was his one regret." James Vega said thoughtfully.

" _One_?" Zaeed said skeptically. "I'm sure the man had _many_. _But..._ he made me realize that I don't sacrifice people needlessly to do a job. That if I'm part of a team I have to work along them. And that it's okay to trust people...if they're the right people." He shrugged his shoulders, folding his arms. "It also helps that my life still has purpose. I can still hunt Vido. What else would I do?"

"Drink?" Kasumi offered. That got a hearty laugh from everyone.

A little smile crossed Liara's face. "He's saved everyone in some way. I just wish that we could have saved him."

Everyone grew quiet again. "Nice way to kill the mood, T'Soni." Joker joked half-heatedly.

"But she's right." Kasumi whispered.

"There was nothing that _could_ be done." Kerin Chakwas spoke up for the first time.

"We've all asked Shepard to do something that seemed impossible for us. And he made it through." Miranda countered. "Why couldn't we have done the same?"

"Well...we _could._ In theory." Everyone turned to Joker who gave a slight shrug. "I mean, if we ever find his body and get access to a bazillion dollars, you could somehow rebuild him again, can't you Miranda?"

Miranda chuckled as she brought her glass of wine close to her chest. "That's a nice thought, Flight Lieutenant."

"Because we're _not_ Shepard." Kasumi said, going back to the former conversation. "I have no idea how he found a way to do all that he did. Even if there _was_ a catch as to why he helped us out, we all know that Shepard truly cared at the bottom of his heart.

Even if he didn't completely fulfill it, he still managed to gain our loyalty to battle the Collectors. And _regain_ it to battle the Reapers. Only an astounding man could have done that." She cloaked herself before saying. "Even Keiji couldn't have done that."

"He _did_ command a certain presence." Samara lightly said. "It may have seemed that we followed him purely out of obligation, but it was more than that. The missions we have been on left little chance of survival. And yet we followed because we believed in him. That same belief would not have been enough in other situations and with other people. Shepard was truly something special."

"And I say," James stepped forward, raising his glass. "We drink to that. To you, _Loco_. "

"Agreed." Garrus said with murmurs of agreement from everyone. All drinks touched and silence ensued as everyone finished them. "Now, how about we go dancing?"

"I'm game." Jack chirped up. "I'm tired of all of this depressing shit. Shepard wouldn't want us sitting around crying."

"No. He'd want us to _break_ stuff!" Wrex pounded his fist into his palm laughing.

As new conversations started and everyone began to head into the living room, Kaiden touched Liara's shoulder. She turned to him with the sides of her lips curled.

"I just wanted to say thanks." Kaiden breathed out, not realizing that he had held it in. Hearing all the heart-wearming memories about Shepard from the others and how he touched their lives nearly broke him down.

"You're welcome." Liara answered. "We _all_ miss him, Kaiden. Every single one of us. But we want you to understand that _how_ he touched us makes us want to live and touch the lives of other people." He glanced at Zaeed and Liara caught him, chuckling. "Some more than others." She added. "Perhaps Zaeed won't kill as many people...or leave as many casualties.

Now come on." She grabbed his hand and led him into the living room. "There's a party going on. You're the host."

Kaiden ran a hand through his hair. "Did I _ever_ mention that I'm _not_ the party type?"

* * *

The party was winding down an hour later. The snacks had been eaten, most of the alcohol had been drunk, and everyone was lounging in the after-party glow with Glyph playing soft music.

Eyes heavy with sleep, Kaiden didn't almost hear keys jingling at the door. Grunt was the first to perk up.

"Uh...Kaiden? Who else has keys to this place?"

Kaiden stood, trying to wipe the sleep from his eyes. "No one. Only me."

Tali wondered aloud drunkenly. "Who would be trying to _break_ in here? And with keys that don't work?"

"A dumbass apparently." Jack answered, her body glowing as she activated her biotics. "I don't think anyone wants to see a drunk angry Jack."

They all held their breath as the lock turned and the door opened. Kaiden was going to reach for his pistol in the drawer of the coffee table—he had completely forgotten about his biotics-when the person came into view.

The only sound that could be heard was the door shutting. Everything seemed to freeze as half-asleep persons became alert immediately.

Commander John Shepard stared at the mass of people before him, his facial features expressing minor confusion and shock.

Heartbeats were counted as no one spoke. Miranda was the first to break the silence.

"This...better _not_ be the fucking clone, Shepard." she said, nearly breathless.

"Or a hallucination." Jacob said quietly.

"If it's neither, he's going to _wish_ it was." Jack muttered.

Surprise had flooded Kaiden but it wasn't nearly as shocking as the next emotion was: anger. A deep-seated anger.

It filled him until it pinkened his cheeks and made his eyes narrow.

"Yeah, Jack." He nodded as he seated himself, clasping his hands and settling his elbows on his knees. "I second that."

**Author's Note:**

> It ends on a cliffhanger unfortunately. I had the second chapter written and then....I just lost love for the story. Thanks for reading though!


End file.
